Every day I wonder why more girls, especially, aren’t like me. Every day, every minute, every second skinny, beautiful people walk past me and bless me with their presence. If you don’t know what I am talking about a good place to start look is all around you; internet, TV, magazines, ads, radio, etc. They are littered with skinny, porcelain doll, smooth soft curved, never an ounce of fat girls. They are burned into your eyes as you study the way they move their delicate figures, flash their perfect smiles, and play with their beautiful hair. Forever, they will be haunting me.
Observe their attitudes. Notice a trend; they all are put together, happy, BEAUTIFUL, and SKINNY.
“If I just strive to look like them, I will become them.” That’s what I thought. And to be honest still strongly believe in that statement. However I am making this blog to help myself discover the truth behind it all. So I have actually found that living in this thought process is not what I expected. You sure as hell don’t think of yourself as beautiful or skinny.
Your stomach will be screaming at you, and all you really want is to eat food. You go to the cafeteria and then turn around and run to the bathroom, punishing yourself for even thinking about eating food. What was wrong with you? Food is for quitters, food is for ugly, fat, discussing people. I mean just listen to the way they smack their lips as they slowly chew and stuff their faces with thousands of calories. By this point every inch of you is on pins and needles. The room begins to spin, and you lose your balance. You go and sit down, all energy drained, close your eyes, and think about how it will be all worth it in the end.
Oh and then it’s not just avoiding eating food, you must also take into consideration how much you work out. I try to work out on average 9 hours a week, give or take. This means every other day I will go to the gym and for 3 hours I will do cardio, light weights, and crunches. Not to mention I go to karate, and during the warmer months horseback ride. If I don’t get enough exercise, I might as well call myself a fat loser.
And then there is the thought process that if all else fails why not just cut yourself? When life seems to be going down-hill, stress builds, emotions rise, and problems occur my trusty blade is by my side. No I don’t cut deep, just enough to release the pain. Sometimes I go deeper and deeper, but I always maintain self control. It’s almost an addiction now, because I could stop at any time, but the problems just keep coming back.
Well…. All this may be going through my head but I am done with it. I am done hurting the ones I love. Anorexia will not, and cannot control my life any longer. I won’t allow it. This will be my savior, and I will post everything and anything I feel that I need to get off my chest relating to eating disorders and emotional health. I WILL GET BETTER (: but I’m going to need a lot of support, and time. So please don’t judge me. I realize that I am not alone in this. I realize that this doesn’t have to be the way I live my life.
Something I like about my body: the indent in-between the bones on my wrist
