Today I ate a lot. Like a lot a lot. I had breakfast and a large dinner. Talk about disgusting! I wanted to throw up. But I didn’t. I mean maybe that’s how you’re supposed to feel after eating that much. Maybe it is supposed to make you feel like a fat, filthy, revolting, sickening, animal. I don’t even think what I just said made any sense… But that’s ok. When I eat food I want to just hurt myself. I think about chewing each, and every, single bite. I think about the food, which is all gross and mashed up in your saliva, slowly drag itself down into your throat. After I am done with the food I think about how bloated I am after it all. I want to just take a needle, like a balloon, and pop it. I HATE the feeling of food in my stomach. The problem is, without food I tend to get really cranky. And then no one wants to be around me. So either way I’m upset. With food, I hate myself. Without food, I am happy about myself but I’m cranky. So either way I lose.
Think about it though. You are just a piece of meat, a chunk of fat, a lump of worthless energy. Why? Why must we be this way? I am grossed out by my own skin.
There just doesn’t seem to be a way to make eating food feel good. Does everyone else feel good when they eat food? Don’t you just feel awful, or is that just me? The more I think about it, the more I cannot stand the fact that I just ate today! I know I am supposed to be looking at the negatives of eating disorders and that’s supposed to help. But. How can I live with myself like this! A fat ass? I don’t want to be obese! I hate it! I AM NOT A COW.
