who to talk to

I haven’t posted in the past few days, because I had to take a little mental break. There has been so much drama about me not eating between me and my friends. They seem to think that cornering me in the lunch room and drilling me about food is a good idea. They are just making me feel so much worse. I am losing hope at this point.

Today I almost reverted back to cutting myself because I used to cut to comfort myself. However I made a very special promise to someone I care about and I couldn’t break it. So I am proud of myself for that.

I look in the mirror and I see this figure that is foreign to me. I wish I could explain how much I can’t stand to look at myself any longer. My clothes are starting to sage on my body now. I am glad, because that means I am getting skinnier; however that means I need new clothes quick. I can’t stand when my clothes are baggy. For example my jeans have to be tight or I freak out.

Quick tips! (:

• Try to create a food plan, and STICK TO IT.
• Try to make eating positive. (eat out w friends, cook with friends, etc..)
• engage in healthy activitys and friends
• gentle exercise and REST
• positive self talk

My friend suggested that I talk to my art teacher about what I am going through. I thought that was a good idea except for the fact that I don’t think she would want to listen to me. I really like her as a person, but I know she is a very busy person and I’m much to intimidated to ask to talk to her in private. I am an extremely shy young lady.

Hope for the best, maybe ill find some help from a councilor? I can’t let my parents know about this though, because this is a reoccurring problem. They don’t want to have to deal with all this again. Any suggestions on who I should talk to?

Thing I like about my body today: The way the tendons in my hand look.

I am just a piece of meat

Today I ate a lot. Like a lot a lot. I had breakfast and a large dinner. Talk about disgusting!  I wanted to throw up.  But I didn’t. I mean maybe that’s how you’re supposed to feel after eating that much. Maybe it is supposed to make you feel like a fat, filthy, revolting, sickening, animal. I don’t even think what I just said made any sense… But that’s ok. When I eat food I want to just hurt myself. I think about chewing each, and every, single bite. I think about the food, which is all gross and mashed up in your saliva, slowly drag itself down into your throat. After I am done with the food I think about how bloated I am after it all. I want to just take a needle, like a balloon, and pop it. I HATE the feeling of food in my stomach. The problem is, without food I tend to get really cranky. And then no one wants to be around me. So either way I’m upset. With food, I hate myself. Without food, I am happy about myself but I’m cranky. So either way I lose.

Think about it though. You are just a piece of meat, a chunk of fat, a lump of worthless energy.  Why? Why must we be this way? I am grossed out by my own skin.

          There just doesn’t seem to be a way to make eating food feel good. Does everyone else feel good when they eat food? Don’t you just feel awful, or is that just me? The more I think about it, the more I cannot stand the fact that I just ate today! I know I am supposed to be looking at the negatives of eating disorders and that’s supposed to help. But. How can I live with myself like this! A fat ass? I don’t want to be obese! I hate it! I AM NOT A COW.

Today i like about my body: ... nothing :( i looked and looked and i could find nothing. -sigh-

Define Eating Disorders

"Eating disorders -- such as anorexia, bulimia, and binge eating disorder -- include
extreme emotions, attitudes, and behaviors surrounding weight and food issues. Eating disorders are
serious emotional and physical problems that can have life-threatening consequences for females and
males.” -National Eating Disorder Association

All of the following eating disorders can be presented slightly different, depending on who you are. The combinations of possibilities are endless. Don't think you have to fit into one category.

ANOREXIA NERVOSA: Starving yourself and excessive weight loss.

Symptoms include:

• Refusal to maintain body weight at or above a minimally normal weight for height, body

type, age, and activity level

• Intense fear of weight gain or being “fat”

• Feeling “fat” or overweight despite dramatic weight loss

• Loss of menstrual periods

• Extreme concern with body weight and shape

BULIMIA NERVOSA: Cautious cycle of binge eating followed by purging. Eating large amounts of food, more than most people would eat in one meal, in short periods of time, then getting rid of the food and calories through vomiting, laxative abuse, or over exercising.

Symptoms include:

• Repeated episodes of bingeing and purging

• Feeling out of control during a binge and eating beyond the point of comfortable fullness

• Purging after a binge, (typically by self-induced vomiting, abuse of laxatives, diet pills

and/or diuretics, excessive exercise, or fasting)

• Frequent dieting

• Extreme concern with body weight and shape

BINGE EATING DISORDER (COMPULSIVE OVEREATING): Periods of uncontrolled, impulsive, or continuous eating beyond the point of feeling comfortably full. No purging may occur but, there may be irregular fasts or repetitive diets. There are often feelings of shame or self-hatred after a binge. People who overeat spontaneously may struggle with anxiety, depression, and loneliness, which can contribute to their unhealthy periods of binge eating. Body weight may vary from normal to mild, moderate, or severe obesity.

Overview

                Every day I wonder why more girls, especially, aren’t like me. Every day, every minute, every second skinny, beautiful people walk past me and bless me with their presence. If you don’t know what I am talking about a good place to start look is all around you; internet, TV, magazines, ads, radio, etc. They are littered with skinny, porcelain doll, smooth soft curved, never an ounce of fat girls. They are burned into your eyes as you study the way they move their delicate figures, flash their perfect smiles, and play with their beautiful hair. Forever, they will be haunting me. 

                Observe their attitudes.  Notice a trend; they all are put together, happy, BEAUTIFUL, and SKINNY.

                “If I just strive to look like them, I will become them.” That’s what I thought. And to be honest still strongly believe in that statement. However I am making this blog to help myself discover the truth behind it all. So I have actually found that living in this thought process is not what I expected. You sure as hell don’t think of yourself as beautiful or skinny.

 Your stomach will be screaming at you, and all you really want is to eat food. You go to the cafeteria and then turn around and run to the bathroom, punishing yourself for even thinking about eating food. What was wrong with you? Food is for quitters, food is for ugly, fat, discussing people. I mean just listen to the way they smack their lips as they slowly chew and stuff their faces with thousands of calories. By this point every inch of you is on pins and needles. The room begins to spin, and you lose your balance. You go and sit down, all energy drained, close your eyes, and think about how it will be all worth it in the end.  

                Oh and then it’s not just avoiding eating food, you must also take into consideration how much you work out. I try to work out on average 9 hours a week, give or take. This means every other day I will go to the gym and for 3 hours I will do cardio, light weights, and crunches. Not to mention I go to karate, and during the warmer months horseback ride. If I don’t get enough exercise, I might as well call myself a fat loser.

And then there is the thought process that if all else fails why not just cut yourself?  When life seems to be going down-hill, stress builds, emotions rise, and problems occur my trusty blade is by my side. No I don’t cut deep, just enough to release the pain. Sometimes I go deeper and deeper, but I always maintain self control. It’s almost an addiction now, because I could stop at any time, but the problems just keep coming back.

Well…. All this may be going through my head but I am done with it. I am done hurting the ones I love. Anorexia will not, and cannot control my life any longer. I won’t allow it. This will be my savior, and I will post everything and anything I feel that I need to get off my chest relating to eating disorders and emotional health.  I WILL GET BETTER (: but I’m going to need a lot of support, and time. So please don’t judge me. I realize that I am not alone in this. I realize that this doesn’t have to be the way I live my life.

Something I like about my body: the indent in-between the bones on my wrist